


Experimental Flavours

by lost_spook



Category: Press Gang
Genre: Ficlet, Gen, Humor, Meme
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-28
Updated: 2016-05-28
Packaged: 2018-07-10 17:07:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 587
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6997060
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lost_spook/pseuds/lost_spook
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Who crawls through someone’s window at 4am to go for ice cream?!”</p>
            </blockquote>





	Experimental Flavours

**Author's Note:**

  * For [paranoidangel](https://archiveofourown.org/users/paranoidangel/gifts).



> Written for Paranoidangel in an LJ meme, who asked for this prompt for Colin Mathews + anyone.

The last thing anyone would want was to be woken unexpectedly by Colin climbing in through their bedroom window in the small hours of the morning. Kenny thought midnight phone calls from Lynda were bad enough, but this took the biscuit. Or, according to Colin’s latest attempt at an explanation, the ice cream cone.

“It was an emergency,” said Colin, as if it was a perfectly reasonable activity to be engaged in. “I couldn’t remember if I’d switched the freezer on and, I mean, ice cream and room temperature – never ends well. Tell me, Kenny, have you been bothered by a sort of low, whirring noise all night?”

Kenny sat up. Okay, so _that_ explained the weird electric hum he thought he’d heard before he’d fallen asleep. On the other hand, it didn’t explain where the (possibly invisible) freezer was, why Colin had put it in his bedroom or why ice-cream in the first place. But then no one on the news team had ever yet solved the big question behind it all: what went on in Colin Mathews’s head. “Yeah, actually.”

“Great,” said Colin. “You’ve no idea of the weight you’ve lifted off my mind. If those little babies had melted...”

Kenny glared. “Colin!”

“Look, I couldn’t help noticing last time I was here that you had a lot of space in your wardrobe that you weren’t using, so I borrowed it.”

“You can’t borrow space in somebody’s wardrobe, Colin.”

“It was for safe-keeping,” Colin said, now on his knees following a distinctly moth-eaten looking cable across the carpet to the wardrobe. “Just in case. You know how it is. I knew you wouldn’t mind.”

Kenny’s feeling of being put-upon by the universe increased, as did his wariness. Ice-cream wasn’t normally something he considered dangerous, but this _was_ Colin they were talking about. “Colin, I would prefer not to be murdered in my bed by enraged ice-cream thieves or people trying to kill you.”

“Hey, I’m hurt,” said Colin. “Of course there was no danger – er, unless – a guy calling himself Medium Roj hasn’t been round here, has he?” Colin crouched down, ready to duck under the bed if the answer was yes.

Kenny gave Colin a resigned look.

“Look, Kenny, since we’re such good friends, I tell you what, I’ll cut you into a share of the profits. How does 0.5% sound?”

Kenny lay back down. “I really, really hope this is a dream.”

“Aha,” said Colin, pulling back the wardrobe door, revealing the mini-refrigeration unit inside. “There you are, working perfectly, you little beauty. It’s like a miracle.”

“Colin,” Kenny said from his prone position, “will you take your ice cream and get out of my room? I’d like to get at least half an hour’s sleep before Lynda starts ringing again.”

What Colin might have said to that was lost to posterity in the ensuing explosion. Colin, Kenny and the room were engulfed in first billows of grey and yellow smoke and then startlingly vivid yellow and red ice cream, which seemingly managed to cover everything, running down the walls and over the carpet and dripping down from the ceiling.

“Colin,” said Kenny, eventually, when he was feeling fairly sure he was alive but before he got as far as recovering himself enough to reach for the phone and the fire brigade or worrying what his Mum was going to think. “What flavour is this, exactly?”

“Mustard and ketchup,” said Colin. “Amazing, eh?”

That, thought Kenny, was one way of putting it.


End file.
